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- Focus more on actions and less on words. What are his actions telling you? You say he’s a good guy, that he’s kind, that he’s a good father. Listen to that. And if he does something you don’t like or makes you feel uncomfortable, wait a little while before you confront him. Give him time. Give yourself time to reflect on your thoughts and fears.
- If you notice that he is isolating himself (as you mentioned above), give him the space to do so. But also ask yourself how are “you” isolating yourself in a different, yet, similar way. Could he, too, be feeling like you are isolating yourself from him?
- Remember that men and women feel and think very differently in many ways. Be careful not to interpret his behaviors based on how we, women, think or feel.
Ask La Comadre: My Tween Boy and Fighting Girls
July 27th, 2010
Dear Comadre,
My 11-year-old son just started middle school this year. He’s always been an extremely well-mannered and mature child and for this reason, tends to be friends with girls. He says the other boys are “gross, rude and childish”. Well, being friends with girls was a fine solution up until this year. I suppose the girls are going through “the change” because they’ve become much more prone to outbursts, drama, back-stabbing, crying, and just out-right mean behavior. My son has been in the middle of this all year as the girls fight and become friends again, over and over, always pulling him into the middle of it. He’s very frustrated because his friends are acting so different and no matter how much he tries to counsel them, they’re back at it the very next day. He’s starting to feel lonely. What sort of advice can I give him?
Concerned Mami
Dear Concerned Mami,
Great question! First of all, congratulations on having your 11-year-old son come to you to discuss and process these experiences. So, how should you advice him?
First, I would try to contextualize things and avoid generalizations. You can begin by letting him know that adolescence can be tough a time for both boys and girls for many reasons. This is a time when teens are trying to figure out a lot of things (e.g., who they are, who to hang out with). In addition, there are real changes going on in their bodies that can affect how teens feel and react to certain situations. One of the most common experiences in adolescence is feeling insecure and confused.
I would explain to your son that perhaps his female friends are feeling insecure with other female peers, and are having a hard expressing that insecurity. This can lead to them acting in ways that are out of character for them. You should also remind him, however, that this can also happen to boys, but that it may not happen in the same way.
Last, let him know that many of these behaviors can be temporary, and that his real friends will come around in due time. I would praise him for being so mindful about his friends, and would encourage him to continue to have these types of discussions with you.
Great job, mom!
La Comadre
La Comadre, Angelica Perez-Litwin, founder and writer of ModernFamilia, is a Certified Professional Life Coach and has a Family Life Coaching practice. She has a PhD in Clinical Psychology and over 15 years of clinical experience as a psychotherapist and counselor. Email your questions to: ModernFamilia@gmail.com
Ask La Comadre: Parenting and Divorce
July 13th, 2010
Dear Comadre,My wife and I recently divorced after 13 years of marriage. We have 2 beautiful girls, one of them is 12 and the other is 6. Their mother has full-time custody, but I pick them up every other weekend, and once a week after school to have dinner with them. It breaks my heart not to be with my girls every day, and life feels so sad without them.
I am worried about how this is going to change my relationship with my girls. I want to continue to be as involved in their lives as I used to be, but I am not a part of their everyday life. What can I do continue to be as involved as possible, and make sure they continue to see me as the father they’ve always had – available and supportive? Any ideas?
Papa Anonimo
Dear Papa Anonimo,
I understand your concerns but, first, let me remind you that if you had a close relationship with your girls, that will be a good foundation for this new start. And even if that was not the case, your new life is presenting you with an opportunity to be the best dad you can be.
Realize that the quality of a parent-child relationship is not solely based on the amount of time spent with the child, but rather in how that time is spent. Children thrive on genuine attention, validation and unconditional regard. The secret to a good parent-child relationship lies in connecting to the child’s inner world. Often times, parents spent time with their children doing the things that the parent needs to do or loves to do, and not what the child wants to do. So, when the time comes to spend time with them, consider the things your children enjoy doing, what they’re curious about, and the activities that make them happy.
At the same time, don’t overdo the fun activities and the outings, at the expense of spending family time in your home. It is important that your girls spend time in your home, so they can feel at home when they arrive to your place. A separate room (or bed) they can call their own is advisable, as well as toys, art supplies, clothes and all the things they will need to feel at home. Spending time with them in your home will help build your own family rituals and traditions through memorable moments.
During the days when you don’t see your children, you can call them during the week and ask about their day and school. Of course, having the support of your ex-wife with these additional contacts will make the process a smooth one. It would be best to agree, ahead of time, to these phone calls and their frequency throughout the week. Overall, try to create a good balance in terms of how involved you are with your children during your non-visitation and visitation days, to respect your ex-wife’s own adjustment to her new life. Last but not least, be on time to your visitation (pick up and drop off) and consistent.
Good luck!
La Comadre, Angelica Perez-Litwin, founder and writer of ModernFamilia, is a Certified Professional Life Coach and has a Family Life Coaching practice. She has a PhD in Clinical Psychology and over 15 years of clinical experience as a psychotherapist and counselor. Email your questions to: ModernFamilia@gmail.com
Ask La Comadre: My Husband Doesn’t Share His Feelings
June 29th, 2010Dear Comadre,
I am an American-born Latina married to an American man. I hold nothing back, he holds everything back. After nearly 20 years of marriage, I am a little cansada of asking him how he feels and asking him to be honest about what is in his heart. He usually refuses to admit anything is wrong, but his actions — he isolates, gets gruff in tone — and my gut tell me otherwise. He is a good man and a good father, but like I said, I am tired of asking him to share and feel emotionally distant from him right now.
So, how does one live with a person so emotionally different? Am I supposed to learn to let things go more? Or, is it my job in this relationship to push for the betterment of it?
La Cansada
Dear Cansada,
This is such a common struggle for many women who are in relationships, but, I’m sorry to break it to you: Often times, this is more about us, than about our man. Here me out, here. Have you ever asked yourself why you need to know what your husband is feeling or thinking? What are you afraid of not knowing? What’s your fear? Are you afraid he’s feeling something really bad (e.g., anger, depression, frustration — with himself, you, the marriage)? And if that were to be the case, what’s the worst thing that could happen if he was feeling these really bad feelings? Are you afraid he might leave? Abandon you? Are you desperately trying to prevent or control something bad from happening? Where does that fear come from?
These are all good questions to ask ourselves, so that we can gain insight into how our “stuff” can get in the way. Sometimes it’s a control issue, and sometimes it comes from growing up as the family’s problem-solver, the go-to person, the one who prevents bad things from happening…as it is the case with many smart, strong-minded second generation Latinas — who are commonly the connectors, the cultural bridge, the life navigators for others.
You also mentioned on your question that you “hold nothing back, he holds everything back.” I wonder how you deliver your expressions…what types of emotions do you use. Are you angry, loud, upset? Self-expression is hugely important, but we do need to monitor our delivery, especially when self-expression doesn’t come naturally for the other person. If you want a conversation, you will need to provide a safe and comfortable opportunity to do that.
I have a few comadre consejitos to give you my friend (and take this from someone who’s been there):
Suerte!
Tu Comadre
La Comadre, Angelica Perez-Litwin, founder and writer of ModernFamilia, is a Certified Professional Life Coach and has a Family Life Coaching practice. She has a PhD in Clinical Psychology and over 15 years of clinical experience as a psychotherapist and counselor.
Her Tiki Tiki column runs every other Tuesday. Email your questions to: ModernFamilia@gmail.com
Ask La Comadre: Sleeping separately y happy
June 8th, 2010
Dear Comadre,
My husband and I have been married for 9 years and we have two beautiful children together. We get along well and, overall, we’re a happy couple. We are, however, very busy since we both work and are actively involved with the kids.
About two years ago, after the birth of our second child, we began to sleep in separate beds in order to let the other person sleep well. Overtime, however, we have become very comfortable in separate rooms. There are days when we do sleep together, but not nearly as frequently as what you would expect from a married couple.
The problem is that, honestly, I really don’t mind it too much. I actually feel like it gives us the space we need, and we can go to sleep at different times without waking up the other person.
My dilemma is that I feel like this is not normal, and I feel embarrassed to mention it to my friends or family.
Is this normal? Should I be concerned?
– Anonymous from Boston
Dear Bostonian,
First of all, you are not alone. More than 30 percent of married couples actually sleep in separate rooms. In fact, homebuilders have noticed a significant increase in the number of requests for large homes with double master suites.
If your marriage is strong (you say it is),and you both take the time to enjoy intimate moments together, there is not much to worry about.
I would, however, advise that you check in with yourself and your husband from time to time, and ask: “Are we still happy sleeping in separate rooms? Do we feel emotionally connected? Do we miss each other at night?”
Feeling embarrassed about this situation is understandable. However, remember that every marriage is different, and you do what you have to do to feel happy and comfortable. There is no need to tell anyone about your sleeping arrangement – you don’t need to share everything about your personal life with everybody.
Remember, too, that this could just be a temporary situation. You and/or your husband might one day realize that it’s time to cuddle up together at night…every night.
Until that happens, enjoy your bed all to yourself!
Buena suerte,
tu Comadre
La Comadre, Angelica Perez-Litwin, founder and writer of ModernFamilia, is a Certified Professional Life Coach and has a Family Life Coaching practice. She has a PhD in Clinical Psychology and over 15 years of clinical experience as a psychotherapist and counselor.
Email your questions to: ModernFamilia@gmail.com
Ask La Comadre: “I’m a frustrated hija. Help.”
May 17th, 2010Dear Comadre,
My father passed away 3 years ago, leaving behind my mother, who was his caregiver for years. After his death, my mother decided to move in with me, my husband and our 3 children, here in New York. Over the last few years, my mother’s health has declined. She is overweight, has diabetes, and mild mobility problems, among others. My husband and I work, while juggling our growing children’s needs and activities. So, having mom around, with all of her medical problems and dietary needs is quite challenging. I am responsible for taking her to her doctor’s appointments, shopping and cooking (separately for her) according to her dietary needs, and even helping her put her socks on. Although she walks around just fine and does things for herself, at times, I feel like she expects me to do everything for her, as she refuses to do anything but watch telenovelas all day. Her excuse is that she’s sick and can’t move too much. I have two brothers, but I’m “la hija,” if you know what I mean… I’m feeling very frustrated. Any advice? — Frustrated Daughter in NY
Querida Frustrated Daughter,
I hear you. This is an issue many Latinas deal with, especially as their parents grow older. I have a few suggestions: First of all, has she been objectively evaluated by a doctor or physical therapist to know exactly what types of activities she can and cannot engage in? Having this information will help you encourage her and expect her to do more at home. No more excuses.
Avoid letting guilt or fear (that she would think of you as a “bad daughter”) make you do more than you need to. If she can walk over to turn on the television for her telenovelas, she can certainly help with some light chores at home, like folding her clothes or cutting vegetables for dinner while she’s sitting down (watching TV!).
Second, don’t be afraid to delegate the care. The bulk of the caring for aging parents normally falls on las hijas, for cultural reasons. Have your brothers take turns taking her to her doctor’s appointments. Make a special folder with all her medical history and medications, and give these to your brothers. Update them and involve them as much as possible in her life. Ask them take her home for a weekend. If, for whatever reason, they refuse or cannot help with her care, have a meeting and discuss having them pay for a few hours per week of formal care. Yes, everyone will resist at first, but that’s only “at first”. Haste la loca, and push for it.
Third, don’t hesitate to submit an application for a home health aide or home attendant. New York is great for these types of services. If your mother’s activities of daily living are really challenged by her health condition, she will most likely qualify for several hours of paid help per week. Speak to her doctor about it or consult a local social service professional. If she doesn’t meet the financial criteria for obtaining these services, this only means that either she, or your family, can afford paid help. If that’s the case, make the decision to hire someone. It will be money well spent.
Buena Suerte!
Tu Comadre
La Comadre, Angelica Perez-Litwin, founder and writer of ModernFamilia, is a Certified Professional Life Coach and has a Family Life Coaching practice. She has a PhD in Clinical Psychology and over 15 years of clinical experience as a psychotherapist and counselor. Email your questions to: ModernFamilia@gmail.com
