OK, we are a little bit addicted to these Things People Say videos on YouTube, and watching them has brought up stuff people have said to me and others about being Latina, about being a cubanita.

So, here is Sh*t Guys Say to Cuban Girls and a playlist of videos we’ve put together of the best of these with Latin flavor. (And by the way, more than half of what’s in the video has been said to me directly.)

You must, must watch the MTV Tr3s video about Abuelas located in the playlist below. I nearly tinkled in my pantalones. That Abuela has to be a cubana!

De Madre!

Sh*t Guys Say to Cuban Girls

A Things People Say Playlist con Sabor

We have created a list of videos on this topic that have made us laugh…and check out the Abuelas!

and if you missed the previous video:

Caca that Cubans Say

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Un poquito mas:

1. Caca that Cubans Say (Video) NSFW
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3. The Most Cuban Person You’ll Ever Meet

Have you seen all those funny videos “Shit White Girls Say to Black Girls“; “Shit Spanish Girls Say?”; “Shit Gay Southern Guys Say?”

How about “Shit Salvadorans Say” by a favorite Tiki Tiki contributor and writer, Tracy Lopez?

They’ve all been a spinoff of the popular YouTube series starring actress Juliette Lewis.

Well, I got to thinking about it and my people, the Cubans, talk about caca a lot. So, in honor of viral videos about shit things people say, here is Shit Cubans Say.

*And I apologize for the S-word. We usually it muy clean here…and using mierda so much isn’t what I like to do online…pero mama, it’s just too fun right now. It’s all in good comedy. Or Act-ing!

Maybe the next one needs to be Sh*t Cuban Parents Say?

Below is a little collection of videos to the theme that are pretty funny.

Sh*t Salvadorans Say

Sh*t Spanish Girls Say

(listen for the Maaaaaa!)

Sh*t Latina Girls Say

(with abuelitas in appearance)

Sh*t White Girls Say to Black Girls: 2

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So, my parents were visiting for a couple of weeks, bringing big Cuban Miami goodness to a little house in Nashville.

They brought guava and cheese pastelitos and turrones and guava paste and dulce de leche en crema and a few root vegetables, to boot. It was as if a Little Havana mercadito exploded in my kitchen. The only thing missing was the window counter and a surly cubana making cortaditos.

It has been 24 hours since they left and I have made a few discoveries in their absence.

Watch the video to find out que…

(If you can’t see the video, click the headline link…)

What you find in the pantry after your Cuban parents leave...

Updated…Look what else I found…Papi’s homemade, premade mojito mix! Pura Vida!

Papi left his homemade, pre-made mojito mix!

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She said What? Que Pena!

To see the video, please click the headline link.

A friend recently told me her mother and she were cooking together when the elder turned to the younger — a married mother of two — and asked: “Have you ever had to fake it?”

Shock and embarrassment would be an understatement, si? But, my friend told her mother that no, she never had faked it.

My friend added: “She looked at me surprised and said “Que bueno. Pues yo sí!”

Ay, we had a rollicking good time talking about hilariously awkward, embarrassing and ridiculous sex conversations we’ve had in our families. Some of the advice is downright crazy and gut-busting.

Here’s one of mine, and the first story that came to mind during the talk with my friend:

The day after my wedding, my then-83-year-old Cuban grandmother pulled me close to her and whispered: “Te dolio?” (Did it hurt?)

Really. She did. I think I told her que no se preoccupe por mi. And quickly walked away.

Most Embarrassing Sex Stories

So, inspired by the crazy and funny sex advice stories — and with permission from Marta, who keeps me in check online — I have collected stories of sex advice and conversations Latinas have had with family and friends. Many are anonymous, to protect the innocent mamis y viejas.

But, getting us started are a couple of open book responses and then the funny, que pena rest.

Not on the Floor

My Suegra, who lives with us, wanted to bring home a rug she found in a neighbor’s garbage. I was trying to convince her not to when things took a turn. “The rug could be dirty,” I said.
She didn’t look convinced.
“Maybe those people smoke cigarettes. It’ll stink.”
She still seemed defiant.
“Maybe those people had sex on that carpet,” I blurted, knowing exactly how to disgust her.
“Ay, no!” she cried.
I smiled in satisfaction.

“Qué pecado! What sin! No, no, no,” she said, shaking her head, as if trying to dismiss the images that had entered her head. “Sex on the floor! That’s against God!”

I started to laugh. “Against God? What’s wrong with sex on the floor?”
She shook her head even more vigorously, her face pinched as if she’d throw up, disgusted that I found nothing wrong with it.
I imagine at this point she realized that her daughter-in-law was defending sex on the floor because, sin of all sins, her daughter-in-law had had sex on the floor… with her son!
“No!” she said, “It’s wrong, it’s wrong. God would condemn sex on the floor. It isn’t right.”
I smirked. “And Adam and Eve? You think they had a bed?”
– Tracy, Latina-ish. (You can read the whole story at her site.)

Why Don’t You Have a Boyfriend?

When I was in high school, my strict Cuban parents wouldn’t let me go out much, let alone have a boyfriend.

Well, I had a boyfriend for two years, but they never knew about him.

One day, my mom plum asked me: “Porque no tienes novio? Are you a lesbian?”

Imagine the look on my face.

I was 18, already in college and had lost my virginity to the first and sweetest love of my life! We would be together another six years and my parents finally had to accept him.

I guess, for her, that was better than me being gay. – Maria de los Angeles, Sex and the Beach.

Man not Rabbit

When I was 17, my mom asked me if I was having sex with my boyfriend.

I said no, that I had never had sex.

“Good,’’ she said, emphatically.

“Wait to have sex with a man. You don’t want to have sex with a rabbit.”

Made my Pastor say the M-Word

One time I was attending a conference with my church and my pastor was sitting next to me. The pastor who was preaching (in Spanish) was talking about keeping yourselves pure, and he said a word that I didn’t recognize.

So, I asked my pastor what he said. He hesitated BIG time and finally whispered…”masturbación”

So, little innocent me, asked “What’s that?” I must have been 13 or 14.

Then he repeated the word in English.

I dont think I have EVER been so mortified in my LIFE!

Protection

It happened in the kitchen, where the clanging of pots and pans could conceal a conversation.

“Are you using protection?” My mother asked, casually, as if she was asking if I had any fresh garlic.

I was 26 and living with my boyfriend, the man I would later marry, but I hadn’t understood my mom and I was naive enough to ask what she meant. She asked if my I was on “that pill.” She had heard something on talk radio about the pill causing cancer.

“No. I don’t take the pill.” It wasn’t a conversation I was prepared to have on a Saturday afternoon.

“Well are you using those condoms?” My mother continued. “Because you can’t trust that rhythm method…take it from me, I know.”

She had the knife in her hand, tapping her chest lightly.

Luckily my father walked in asking what was for dinner. Because, no – I didn’t want to know. While I appreciated the openness of the conversation, I wasn’t prepared to hear about my parent’s birth control methods.

And I certainly didn’t want to know if I was the product of a failed attempt.

Simple Marriage Advice: Just Do It

Before I got married I got a speech about how there may be days I’m tired after work, kids, etc, but that “El va a querer y tu vas a tener que darcelo.”

This is the marital sex advice I received: Always give it up ladies! Even if you have a headache.

Abuela on Boys

“Los hombres son como lo siguiente: “Prometer y prometer hasta meter, y despues de lo metido, nada de lo prometido.”

I almost died when she said that to me. I was probably around sixteen or so, virginal as they come.

What the hell, abuela? What the hell?

Teach Him

When I came home from college one summer, I told my mom I was on the pill, had gone to the doctor and had just started having sex. I was 20 and for several years she was on me about making sure I used protection when I started having sex. I guess I wanted to reassure her I was being smart.

Anyway, I waited to tell her while she was in the shower and behind the curtain because I didn’t want to face her.

She was silent for a minute and then asked: “Are you having orgasms?”

I almost passed out, but answered: “Um…not all the time.”

And she quickly said: “Then, he doesn’t know what he’s doing and you’d better teach him.”

I snuck out of the bathroom.

Good Advice Does Not Run in the Family

The most advice I had on sex from my mother was this: “Kissing is disgusting. You only do that – and everything else – when you’re married.”

The closest thing to advice from my grandmother was this: “Don’t comb your hair over your boobs or they’ll flatten.”

Everything else I learned in Health Class.

The End.

Saggy? Blame the Husband

My mother once told me: “Si tu marido toca tus te*as mucho, empiezan a caerse” I swear…where do they get these things?

Men are like Cats

When I was 18, my best friend and I were going on a double date. We were at my house getting ready and our dates came to pick us up.

My grandmother, who at the time was 84, answered the door. She let the boys in, but not before telling them: “Preocurren portarse bien con esa muchachitas.”

To which the guys tried to assure her that no foul play would be going on.

She then responded, “Esta bien, pero acurerdense, los hombres son como los gatos, cuando los tocan se le paran el rabo.”

I almost died. Que pena!

Be Holy

At any given time, during any conversation with my mom, she’ll start talking about the Bible and the many stories she has learned from it.

So, during one visit when my son was a newborn, my husband and I were sitting across from her, when she started telling us a story from the Biblia. I think she was making references to David, in discussing my son’s name, whom we named after one of the prophets.

From there, she spoke of King David’s fall out and somehow turned the conversation to sex. I was starting to feel a little uncomfortable because she never spoke to me about sex. But yet here she was, in front of my marido and me speaking about how oral and anal sex is a sin.

Dios Mio!

She told us where never to put our mouths and other parts and told us this sort of sex is the worst sin you can commit as a married couple. She told us God did not make these other parts for sex.

My husband still makes fun of that “special” moment, 12-years -ago. I’m surprised he didn’t walk out on me that afternoon.

Did I mention my mom had never spoken to me about sex before?

Y tu?

Share your awkward, embarrassing sex stories with the Tiki Tiki. We know you’ve got them! (And if you need translations, ask in the comments.)

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I am just not sure about this dicho. Not sure at all. No me gusta the punto y ya that once a less-than, always a less-than. We all know too many people who have turned a lost ship around, si?

But, here it is anyway, a common Spanish dicho, as told by my wonderful Tia, with an assist from my dad.

What do you think?

El Que Nace Para Medio, Nunca Llega a Real.

So, do you have what it takes?

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We both want to wish you all a very Merry Christmas y Feliz Navidad y Un Prospero Año Nuevo. Thanks so much for sharing the Tiki Tiki with us this year.

You are our most precious gift.

Feliz Navidad!

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Un poquito mas:

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Thanks to Marc, a Floridian who writes the blog Uncommon Sense, Fla. for submitting this classic Christmas photo.

Submit your vintage and current holiday photos — with or without Santa — from Tiki Tiki readers.

Sending your image to info@ tikitikiblog dot com and we’ll publish it in the days leading to Christmas.

Come on, share your cuentos.

And, happy weekend!

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Un poquito mas:

1. Feliz Navidad and Happy New Year
2. Grace Us With Your Holiday Memories
3. Chicana Christmas: La Virgen, Las Posadas y Los Tamales

The week before Thanksgiving, Eric and I were privileged to participate in the inaugural sailing of the largest cruise ship in the world, Royal Caribbean International’s Allure of the Seas.

We never really envisioned ourselves as cruisers. Cruising vacations seemed to be the domain of older, moneyed travelers. In fact, it sounded kind of dull. What is there to do on a ship for days?

Once we experienced the Allure of the Seas, we experienced a conversion. We are definitely planning our next vacation on the high seas.

What did we do? well….we ate. A lot.

There’s so much I can tell you about the ship and all its fabulous features, but I want to focus on the Phenomenal Eating Experience.

There were twenty-six (26!) different food venues aboard the Allure of the Seas. And miles and miles of kitchens galleys. They make everything from scratch. All the bread. All the pastries. I was delighted to get a tour of the place where all of the culinary amazingness happens.

Cruising, I learned, is no longer just a main-dining-room-early-or-late-seating kind of thing. Besides the Dining Room there are 8 other specialty restaurants on the ship. Yes. Restaurants, people. Totally genius.

We sampled (and photographed) just about every meal. (We also managed to find a Cuban sandwich in one of the cafés, but that’s not important right now.) Our favorite restaurant by far was Giovanni’s Table. Yes, Italian. I know. Who AM I?

I think what I loved most about this is that the meal is served in courses – family style. Lots of dishes brought to the table at once and everyone gets to taste everything. It’s exactly the way I would do it if I was in charge. Just to add to the awesomeness, out of the 3,000 passengers aboard the Allure of the Seas, we happened to be dining with a table full of Cubans. (See? Charmed.)

But the dish that completely won my heart? Bomboloni. An Italian doughnut.

I’m definitely planning on making these for the holidays. Besides, it’s just fun to say. Come on. Say it with me. “Bomboloni.” You smiled just now, didn’t you?

Prego! (That means “you’re welcome” in Italian.) ;-)

The following recipe is from the Carte du Jour Cookbook – the best recipes from the Restaurants of Royal Caribbean International.

Bomboloni alla Toscana (Tuscan Doughnuts with Warm Chocolate Sauce)

BOMBOLONI:

• 1 Tbsp. dry yeast
• 2 Tbsp. lukewarm water
• 3 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
• 4 eggs
• 1/3 cup granualted sugar
• 1 tsp. salt
• 1/4 cup milk
• 3/4 cup unsalted butter – cubed
• Vegetable oil for frying

CUSTARD:

• 1 cup milk
• 1 vanilla bean, split
• 4 egg yolks
• 1/3 cup granulated sugar
• 1/4 cup all-purpose flour, sifted

GARNISH:

• 1/2 cup chocolate sauce, purchased

1. Place yeast and water into a small bowl and mix until yeast has dissolved.
2. Place flour, eggs, sugar and salt in a stand mixer fitted with the paddle attachment and beat at medium speed for 10 seconds. Add yeast mixture and milk and beat for 3 minutes at medium-high speed or until dough holds together. Add cubed butter and beat for another 5 minutes or until dough no longer sticks to the side of the mixing bowl.
3. Remove dough from mixing bowl, spread over a lightly floured baking sheet and flatten until it is about 3/4 inch thick. Cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate for 2 hours.
4. Meanwhile, for custard, combine milk and vanilla bean in a saucepan over medium heat and bring to a boil.
5. In a glass or stainless steel bow., whisk together egg yolks and sugar for 5 minutes or until mixture has thickened, add flour and mix well. Discard vanilla pod and incorporate hot milk into egg mixture a little at a time, whisking constantly,
6. Transfer mixture back into the saucepan and slowly cook over low heat for about 10 minutes or until mixture pulls from the sides of the saucepan. Do not boil. Stir often. Remove from heat and allow to cool.
7. To finish bomboloni, transfer dough to a lightly floured surface and cut into circles using a 1 1/2 inch round cookie cutter.
8. Place disks on a baking sheet covered with greased parchment paper. Cover with plastic wrap and allow to proof, at room temperature, for 2 hours.
9. Fry doughnuts, in batches, in hot oil for 5 to 7 minutes or until golden brown.
10. Using a slotted spoon, transfer doughnuts on a baking sheet lined with paper towels.
11. Fill the center of each mini doughnut with custard by using a pastry bag fitted with a medium tip, and roll into granulated sugar.
12. Served warmed bombolonis on dessert plates with a side dish of chocolate sauce. Serves 6.

[In the interest of full disclosure: Royal Caribbean paid all of my travel expenses for this cruise. The fact, that I fell in love with cruising in general and the Allure of the Seas specifically and of course, with the Bomboloni, was a wonderful surprise. Thank you, RC!]

Let the comelatas begin!

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I recently introduced a half-Puerto Rican friend to a totally cubana friend and watched as the Puerto Rican sheepishly admitted she didn’t speak mucho Spanish.

I joked with her that we’d get rid of her complejo by teaching her to say “Ay, Dios Mio!’‘ and all would be well. She’d be able to “pass” and not feel so “semi-Latina.”

That funny moment, coupled with conversations I have had with other Latinas who don’t speak Spanish —  or much of it — has inspired this video post: “Sneaky Spanish Tips for Semi-Latinas!”

You too can be 100% Latina with these quick and easy Spanish tips from the Tiki Tiki!

Yes, guay!

OK, hermanas, what other sayings, dichos, words should we be teaching our monolingual sisters?

And, nobody say “Ay, Papi!”

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This Chihuahua taco holder, $27.99, is sold out all over the place.

OK, gente…I troll the web so you don’t have to. And see, today I found you the perfect thing: A chihuahua taco holder. You may have to find it at a flea market though. It is sold out all over the place. Of course it is!

And the rest…Here’s a curated list of interesting, funny and new videos with sabor. Feel free to send links to videos you like, too.

UrbanoTV, brainchild of actor John Leguizamo has launched. It’s a Latino-centric video site, allowing any loco to create a channel. Watch the promo for UnLatino Latino and click here to watch Spanish Lessons for Gringos. (Careful, NSFW)

Have you heard about what’s being touted as the Latina The View? It’s called Let’s Talk on LatinHeat.com. I think Marta and I need a show called Tibia no Mas. This episode is about sex. Listen to the ladies talk about different words for the “va-jay-jay” and the motherly advice they got about “no abrir las piernas…”

I am in love with a Spanish woman named Águeda. She and her daring senior citizen friends do skits and candid camera sorts of things boldly and shamelessly. It gives me hope for an entertaining old age! My favorite is the El Facebook video, which I have watched more times than I care to admit. Her blog is called “El Blog de Águeda.” Go read it. Watch them do a flash mob and on the YouTube page watch this one on public farting and gay grandpa.  Ay!

Keep an eye on www.eco-rico.com. It appears it will launch at some point and worth the bookmark.

Here’s the only video, just uploaded, and the description:  ”While Giselle makes her aphrodisiac-laden Arugula, Avocado, Toasted Pine Nut Salad with lemon, garlic, honey dressing, Guest Chef Ana Cabán stops by the EcoRico Kitchen to make her fab mojitos. But in the time it takes Ana to make one mojito, Giselle’s prepped and made the salad and dressing and taught Composting 101.”

And, to go with that taco holder, here are two taco songs. Sing them to your favorite taco truck driver and see what he says:

And finally, we love our Dominican brothers and sisters. We do! This is naughty, but funny. At least to me…

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Un poquito mas:

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